Oscar The Grouch

*I wrote this during the Red Carpet (and didn't publish it because I was going to add pictures and then my rational brain said "Big giant stupid paper due any day now, no time for Googling Flickr Commons, fool!") - play along and see how I did with predicting!*

Sneaking a moment from my Masters Paper (first draft due next week, final draft due in 3...) to weigh in (to myself) on movies as the Oscars play soundlessly in the background because I cannot STAND the questions people are asked but I still want to see the pretty, pretty dresses. The Oscar-sanctioned year in movies:

1. I never want to see Avatar. I mean that, never. Not out of some churlish snobbish disdain, I just don't have one atom in my body that is even mildly curious to see it. Once I saw the Cat-Elf Creatures, learned of Unobtanium and heard the soaring overly ripe score of the movie - no. Just no.

Ben Stiller's make-up made me laugh

2. I really do wish Bigelow would trump Cameron (he's such blowhardy tool, right? I mean, can't you just tell. Or maybe it's just his 5 ex-wives that gives me a clue) but not because I thought The Hurt Locker was so great. Jeremy Renner seems like a good egg but the movies was eh for me. What especially amuses me is the way people keep hoping Bigelow will "finally be recognized for her work". Ah yes, that lost classic "Point Break" about surf-board riding criminals! She was sorely overlooked for that one. Kermode (of BBC movie podcast of fame) made this rage-inducing comment about how he would like Bigelow to win the first female director Oscar because her movie is so "muscular and tough", rather than that whiny Jane Campion who could have won for The Piano. Dear Sir: I agree with your opinions often, but Bright Star kicked Hurt Lockers buttocks very very hard. And looked smashing doing it. And is it so wrong to care about feelings, anyway? No.

Well hey, she won! Did they have to seat them right next to each other? Was that for good television?

3. Speaking of Bright Star, if it doesn't win Best Costumes, I shall be sore disappointed. They were fantastic. Watch and see if you don't want to wear a hat immediately.

I was sore disappointed. Those damn royal historical pictures always win...

4. I see The White Ribbon is up for Best Foreign Film and I do have a strong love for Haneke but when I think of this movie, all I can remember is the ultra-quiet theatre and the man who shushed me - shushed me! - for my crinkly Smartfood bag. In retrospect, perhaps cheese popcorn was the wrong choice for a silent, black and white film about the gathering storm in Europe but sir, if you want a soundproof room, wait for the DVD and your home entertainment unit.

5. Is it just me or does the premise for the movie The Blind Side seem impossibly, hopelessly racist and demeaning? Oh those po' black folks, just waiting to be rescued by a good Christian woman. I wonder if Sandra Bullock, a nice lefty if there ever was one, is kind of in despair that she has been universally loved for playing the kind of person she would hate in real life?

You know, Bullock looked good and her speech was the best of the night - but STILL - that movie! Grrr.

6. Barbara Walters seriously just this minute asked Mo'nique about her hairy legs and then asked if her husband minds them. Babs, go ask James Camerons wife #5 if she minds being one in a long line or any man with a hairy back if his wife minds, okay? I haven't seen Precious but go on Monique with your bad self and win, because you are awesome for not giving a flying leap for what the (impossible) standards are.

Did you see the clip of Precious they used for Best Adapted Screenplay? I was practically standing up and screaming at the TV - seriously, the BEST clip you could chose for the Oscars was a large black woman STEALING A BUCKET OF FRIED CHICKEN? That was the defining scene of the movie??? It felt like a bad joke. A Hitler joke or something.

7. Only seen 2/5 of the Doc nominees, shame. The others are in my Netflix queue and I look forward to Which Way Home. The Cove was so over the top, it was ridiculous. I myself would have added The September Issue and Every Little Step. Perhaps they're more frivilous but I really enjoyed them.

Shocker, the maker of The Cove was inappropriately "crazy activist style" while accepting the award. I guess I don't like their premise that somehow the killing of whales and dolphins is sad and must be stopped by bullshit covert operations but fish, eh, who cares so much? Much the same way people weep tears over dogs being eaten in China while munching on a burger or Teabaggers protest "socialized medicine" while their parents subsist on Medicare - it's the hypocrisy that bothers me.

7. Movies on the list that I haven't seen yet but would like to: An Education, A Single Man and Up in the Air. And one that isn't on the list but I'm desperate to see it: Fish Tank.
And if Jeff Bridges doesn't win for Crazy Heart, I will break a little because he was perfect, perfect, pickled liver and all. Do you know who else was perfect in that movie? Colin Farrel. I hate CF but his character added such a note of sweetness and unexpected grace in the movie that it elevated the whole thing.

Hey, his speech was a hot mess, but I do think he deserved it. Hurrah for Hollywood....sort of.